Month: April 2017

On a Walk

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“Let’s go on a walk, Fred,” Barbara said. “It’s still light out and I want to mail a letter.”

“You want me to get my shoes and coat on to walk with you to the end of the driveway?” Fred asked.

“No, I need to weigh the letter. I added a couple of things to the envelope, and I’m not sure how much it weighs,” Barbara said. “So I wanted to walk up the street to the post office. We could stop at the bakery next door. That would make it a date.”

“All right,” Fred said. “I did promise you a date every week. Let’s go.”

They put on their jackets and Barbara grabbed her purse.   They walked up the quiet street, talking about their day. At the post office, the letter did need an extra stamp. Barbara paid the extra money and sent the letter off.

At the bakery, Barbara looked longingly at the éclairs. “Would you want to split one?” she asked. “They’re rather big. And maybe a little expensive.”

“Hmmmm? Oh, I don’t want anything,” Fred said. “I’m not really hungry. I’ll get you what ever you want though. It’s a date, right?”

“Fine,” Barbara said. She went up to the counter and ordered an éclair.

“For here or to go?” the baker asked.

Barbara turned to Fred. “It’s up to you,” he said.

“If you’re not getting anything, I may as well take it home. It would be weird to sit and eat here if you’re not eating too,” Barbara said. The baker packaged the éclair in a big white box.

Fred paid for the éclair and handed the box to Barbara. She thanked him and they walked home down the quiet street, talking about their plans for the weekend.

The next day, they went for a morning walk. Their neighbor was out pulling weeds. Barbara and Fred said hello.   “Hey, what did you get at the bakery yesterday?” the neighbor asked. “I saw you out walking and recognized the box.”

“Fred took me out on a date,” Barbara said. “I got an éclair.”

“That’s nice,” the neighbor said.

Later, they went to the grocery store. “Hey, I saw you out walking yesterday,” the clerk said as he rang up their groceries. “What was in the big box?”

“Fred and I went to the bakery, and I got an éclair,” Barbara said.

The next day at church, the lady in the pew in front of them turned to say hello before the service. “I saw you walking the other day. Where were you going?” she asked.

“Fred and I went to the bakery on a date,” Barbara said. “I got an éclair.”

“Oh, I love that bakery,” the woman said. “I go there all the time.”

“It is very nice,” Barbara said.

After the service, two more people came over to ask about their walk on Friday.   Barbara told them about the walk and the bakery and the éclair. Then they started to walk home.

“Don’t you think it’s a little strange?” Barbara asked.

“What’s strange?” Fred asked.

“I didn’t see any one when we were out walking, but so many people saw us,” Barbara said.

“Now that you mention it, it is a little strange,” Fred said. “I don’t remember many cars passing us, and some of the people who saw us don’t even live in our neighborhood.”

“Maybe they were all visiting people in our neighborhood and just happened to look out the window when we walked by,” Barbara said. “Though I think it sounds a little unlikely.”

“Perhaps they were hiding in the bushes to see who passed by,” Fred said.

“Well, if they are all training as ninjas, they just broke their cover,” Barbara said.

“Maybe they’ll ask us to join them,” Fred said.

Barbara laughed.  “I think I’m too old to learn to be a ninja.”

“Maybe they’ve just decided we’re harmless and don’t care if we know,” Fred said.

“I suppose that would be nice,” Barbara said. “It’s nice to know we have so many people watching to make sure the neighborhood is safe.”

“That’s true,” Fred said. He turned and looked at some bushes.

“Did you see something?” Barbara asked, looking at the bushes.

Fred shrugged. “I thought the bushes were moving, but I guess not. Let’s get home.” They turned and walked away. The bushes rustled again.

Experimental Music

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Carl and Joyce loved going to hear the local choir sing. The tickets were fairly inexpensive and the choir always sang such lovely pieces. Unfortunately, they weren’t the only ones who loved the concerts. The choir grew in popularity over the years until the seats for their Friday night performances often sold out.

When the concert hall was full, it often felt uncomfortably warm. People would fold their programs into fans and whisper about the heat as they fanned at themselves and their friends. People would sneak in water bottles and try to sip at them without being noticed.

There were also the normal noises of coughing and unwrapping cough drops, or the snap of chewing gum, or giggles and whispers exchanged among young couples.   With a full house, these noises were multiplied.

Sometimes Carl’s hearing aid would pick up the background noises better than the performance. He would turn down the hearing aid and sit back in his seat, waiting for the performance to end. Sometimes he fell asleep.   Once, to Joyce’s embarrassment, he snored.

Carl and Joyce began to wonder if they really wanted to keep going to the concerts. “We don’t really enjoy them as much anymore,” Joyce said. “And in the end we might be just adding to the noise.”

“I only snored the one time,” Carl said. “It’s not like I spent the entire time texting and giggling like the three girls that were sitting in front of us.”

“I know,” Joyce said. “But you haven’t been able to hear most of the recent performances.”

“Let’s go one more time,” Carl said. “I’ve already bought the tickets. After that, we can see how we feel.”

The concert hall seemed especially warm that day. During the second piece, a baby began to cry and had to be taken out.   The girl sitting by Joyce spilled cola on her while texting.

A man sitting in front of Carl decided to film a song with his phone.   He held it above his head, right in front of Carl. Carl couldn’t see the stage. He couldn’t really hear over the normal whispers and gum chewing. He slumped down in his seat.

“Should we just go home?” he asked Joyce at intermission.

“Let’s see it through, out of respect for the choir,” Joyce said. “It isn’t their fault that we can’t enjoy the concert. If we leave early, it may look like we don’t like the performance.”

“All right,” Carl said. “But I think you were right. It just isn’t fun anymore.”

They settled back into their seats and waited for the performance to begin again.   There was a noisier hum as people began to return to their places. Joyce and Carl stood several times to let people push past them.

Finally, the noise began to die down. The choir filed into place and sat in their chairs. The audience waited expectantly. The conductor raised his hands, signaled the choir to begin, then sat on a nearby chair and began to look at his phone.

Choir members folded programs into fans and began to talk to each other.   They sipped sodas and chewed gum.   They took flash photos of each other and laughed. The audience grew noisy again as people began to whisper to each other in confusion.

Joyce looked at Carl and then picked up the program. She found their place and smiled and handed it to Carl.   He drew his finger down the scheduled pieces until he found the one after intermission.

It was an experimental piece entitled, “The Rude Audience” and was supposed to last five minutes. Carl sat back and smiled widely. A choir member was filming the audience. The man behind him stood up so that he could see, then began arguing with the man sitting behind him. Carl began to laugh.

He wasn’t the only one. All around him, the audience began to giggle. Members of the choir were holding up silly signs or painting their nails or starting popcorn fights. The conductor was talking into his phone and pausing every so often to blow his nose loudly.

At the end of the piece, the applause was thunderous. Even better, the audience were much more considerate during the rest of the performance. Carl never had to turn down his hearing aid or slump in his seat.

On the way home, Carl asked, “So, are we all done with going to the choir performances then?”

Joyce thought for a moment, “It did go better during the second half, didn’t it?”

“It won’t last,” Carl said.

“Well, we can decide whether or not we want to keep coming once that happens.   For now, I think we can go to the next performance and see how it goes.”

“I think that’s a great plan,” Carl said. “It’s a date.”

Of Courtship and Marriage

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An old man was dying. He called his three sons to his bedside to give them some advice before he passed on.   “My sons,” he said. “I wish for you to be as happy as I am, so listen closely to what I say. The person you marry can be your partner and best friend, or they can be your greatest misery. Choose wisely. Marrying your mother was the best choice I made.   I miss her. I can’t wait to see her again.”

The father died within the week and the brothers were alone in the world.   They arranged a nice funeral and managed to put the family finances in order. Once everything seemed to be running smoothly, the oldest brother declared it was time for him to go out into the world to seek his fortune.

“Brothers,” he said. “I will go to find fame and fortune and win the heart of a worthy woman. Wish me luck!”

Two years later, he married the only daughter of the king. The wedding was a grand event. The guests rode to the castle in sky blue carriages pulled by black and white horses. The bride’s dress was richly embroidered and the chapel was filled with flowers. The dinner and dancing after the ceremony lasted into the early hours of the morning. The oldest brother glowed with happiness.

The younger brothers were glad to see that their brother had made a wise choice.   However, two weeks later, they received a letter from their oldest brother.

Brothers,

I am allowed to write you one last letter before they take me away.   My bride has a terrible temper.   I have tried hard to keep peace in our home, but I sneezed today at breakfast, and she refuses to forgive me.   She has ordered me to be sent to the dungeons. I do not know if I will ever see you again.

The younger brothers were sad to hear this. “Fame and fortune aren’t enough,” the middle brother said. “My wife must also be kind. Wish me luck, brother, it’s my turn to go out into the world.”

The youngest brother did his best to manage the family business without his brothers.   In the end, he had to hire additional help. He chose wisely, and the business flourished. He waited for two years, and finally the middle brother returned.

While away, he had met a wealthy widow. “She is always concerned about my welfare and is as sweet as pie,” he said.   The wedding was not as grand as the oldest brother’s, but the cake had six layers and the beadwork on the bride’s dress was stunning. The dinner and dancing lasted far into the evening. The middle brother glowed with happiness.

The youngest brother was glad to see that the middle brother had made a wise choice.   However, two weeks later, he received a letter from his brother.

Brother,

I am writing you quickly before I go into hiding. My bride is still sweet as pie. But, I have just learned that she has secretly insured my life for a hefty sum. She has been widowed five times before, so this caused me some concern. When I saw her sharpen the kitchen knives and practice tripping and tossing them at my empty chair, I knew it was time to go. She has friends in high places here. I am going to hide in a far away place. I do not know if I will ever see you again.

The youngest brother was sad to hear this. He continued to build the family business, and in the end, it ran so well that it didn’t need him anymore and his employees sent him away. They worked hard and were great at building the business, but they weren’t very loyal and eventually cut him off from the company. He was alone in the world.

On his way home from his last meeting with his former employees, he met a kitchen maid at a local bakery and helped her carry her packages home. They met again and soon met often. One day he told her about his brothers. “After hearing their stories and then the problems with my family business, I feel like the world is a scary place. When you place your trust in someone, how do you know you’ve made a wise decision? There is so much about the people around us that we don’t know,” he said.

“Are we friends?” she asked

“Yes, I think so,” the youngest brother said. “I think you’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”

“Do you know everything about me?” she asked.

“Probably not,” he said.

“Do you trust me?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said after thinking for a few minutes. “I think I do.”

“Sometimes that’s the best you can do,” she said. “But I think it’s worth giving it a shot. Will you marry me?”

“Umm. Well, yes. I guess I will,” he said.

The wedding was not grand, but the youngest brother was happy. Two weeks after the wedding, he learned that his wife was secretly a rebel leader planning to overthrow the monarchy. Within two years, she succeeded and became the first president of the new democracy. The oldest brother was freed from the dungeons, and the middle brother was able to come out of hiding.

The youngest brother and his president wife were best friends and partners and remained very happy together.

 

Movie Spells

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Edna lit the candle sitting at the edge of her desk. “Sallie Day,” she said. The candle flame glowed blue and then white.

“Hello?” a voice said.

“Hello, Sallie,” Edna said. She leaned back in her chair and started to doodle on the edge of her desk calendar.

“Edna, is that you?” Sallie asked.

“Who else would it be?” Edna asked. She drew a cat.

“This little girl keeps calling and asking random questions. ‘Hey Sallie, how do you make peach pudding?’ or ‘Hey Sallie, if my black cat has a white toe, does that make him a less effective familiar?’ or ‘Is calculus a secret cult?’ I don’t even know who she is! I don’t think I’ve ever met her before,” Sallie said.

“That is so weird. Maybe it’s the little sister of someone we went to Academy with?” Edna said.   She added a big floppy hat to the cat drawing.

“But why would she call me? You were the smart one, always coming up with weird new spells,” Sallie said.

“But you were the nice one,” Edna said. “Oh, speaking of spells, I just come up with some good ones.”

“Nice. What do they do?” Sallie asked. “And if you’re trying to find a spelltester, count me out. I learned my lesson with the freckle remover spell.”

“I told you it was for freckles. You just assumed it would remove them. I like freckles,” Edna said.

“Well, now I am wearing my own personal galaxy of them.   I must be your favorite person ever,” Sallie said.

“Of course you are, that’s why I’m sharing my newest spells with you first,” Edna said. “Do you want to come over and see them? They aren’t meant to be cast on people.” She drew freckles on the cat.

“Okay,” Sallie said. “I’ll come through the mirror in the hall.”

“It’s open, just come through when you’re ready,” Edna said. The flame glowed blue and then orange. Edna blew out the candle and whispered a few words under her breath. The cat drawing walked off the page, crossed the desk and climbed into a blank page of her sketchbook.

A moment later, she heard Sallie step through the mirror and call her name. “I’m in the living room,” Edna said.

Sallie came in, folded her arms, and raised an eyebrow.   “So, show me the spells,” Sallie said.

“Sit on the couch and watch this,” Edna said. She turned on the television. “I’ve figured out how to make spells that affect the characters in a film.”

“But that’s impossible!” Sallie said. “They’re just images, not people. You shouldn’t be able to affect them individually with a spell.”

“And yet, I can,” Edna said.

“So, what did you do? Change the ending so it’s a new movie every time? Get the characters to tell you what they’re thinking?” Sallie asked.

“Hmmm. Those are good ideas, but nope,” Edna said.   “Mostly I’ve just changed the color of everything that was orange. I hate orange.”

“Edna, that’s silly,” Sallie said.

“No it’s not,” Edna said. “And I also figured out how to make those boring romcoms watchable.”

“What did you do?” Sallie asked.

“Just watch,” Edna said. She pushed play.

A man on the screen looked adoringly at a woman playing catch with a puppy. He smiled. “You are so beautiful,” he said. Unfortunately, it was rather muffled by the heart-shaped confetti that was pouring out of his mouth. He coughed.

The woman smiled. “I love you, too,” she said. The confetti shot out of her mouth as she spoke too. She spat out the last few pieces.

Edna paused the film, laughing hysterically. “Isn’t that so much better?” she asked.

“You’re so weird,” Sallie said. She looked at the paused film. The actress had a few pieces of confetti stuck to her nose and left cheek.   Sallie snorted and began to laugh.   “Okay, you’re right. That is pretty funny.”

“Wait until you see what happens when they get angsty,” Edna said.

Sallie murmured and snapped her fingers. A bowl of popcorn floated through the door from the hall. “Look, I brought popcorn. Start it from the beginning, Edna.”

Edna tossed some popcorn into her mouth and pushed some buttons on the remote.   “Great idea. Let me know if you have any suggestions.”

“Of course,” Sallie said.

Going Crazy

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Sparkles the cat hated his name. He hated the view out the window, too. It made him feel all grumbly.

It taunted him with warm sunshine he wanted to lie in, and birds and squirrels he wanted to chase, and other cats that would come close and smirk at him with their tails. He wanted to push the flowerpots off the windowsill and scare the other cats, but the window was closed.

He lived with a little old lady with lots of allergies and no visitors.   So, the doors and windows were mostly closed and the house stayed clean and quiet. It was terrible. The old lady liked to talk to him about the past. Mostly he didn’t listen.

One day, he’d had enough. He was going to do all the things the old lady hated. He’d drive her crazy enough to open the doors and let him out for the day.   Maybe he’d even come back.   Maybe.

He started with the toilet paper, that she always hung just so and fixed when he’d batted at it. He tangled his claws in it and ran around the house. When he felt the toilet paper jerk free of its cardboard roll, he paused to admire his handiwork. There, he’d made a big mess, and the toilet paper wasn’t hanging all neat and tidy.

The old lady came downstairs after her nap and looked around. “Oh my, Sparkles,” she said. “Isn’t this a mess?”

She sat down on the couch with a smile and reached a hand towards him.   “Come here and let me untangle you,” she said. Sparkles turned his back and started to lick at his fur. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her hand drop. She looked at the toilet paper that was wound around the living room furniture.

“When my Jamie was little, he was getting up every morning at two a.m. for crackers. I was so tired all the time.   One day, while I was folding laundry, he wove two rolls of toilet paper all around the kitchen chairs. When I saw the mess, I cried.”

Sparkles paused and looked up. The old lady smiled again. “I miss those days.” She stood up. “Well, let me get you a treat and then I’ll get started on cleaning up the mess. It’s nice to have something different to do, isn’t it?”   She got the treat and patted him briefly. “Good cat,” she said.

Sparkles ate his treat and grumbled. It might sound like purring, but he was certain it was meant to be grumbling. That hadn’t worked at all.   What next?

He eyed the couch. The old lady sat there every day doing things with bits of paper or yarn or sticks.   She always kept it carefully clean.   It was her place. He’d chosen his next target.

He stood on his hind legs and extended his claws and began to rip at the arm of the couch. It made satisfying hissing sounds as his claws tore at the cloth.   This should do it.

The old lady came running in from the kitchen. “Sparkles, are you attacking the couch?” she asked. The old lady laughed. “My Jamie used to attack the couch too. I just couldn’t convince him that he needed to draw on paper.   No matter what I tried, I couldn’t get the pen and marker out, either.” She began petting Sparkles. He tolerated it.

She sighed and sat down. Sparkles jumped onto the couch. He just wanted to be closer to see the effects of his plan of course. He wasn’t looking for more cuddles. He bumped the old lady’s hand with his head and she started petting him again. It was a coincidence.

“I couldn’t afford a new couch then, and I was so embarrassed. I’d cover up the drawings with a big blanket I knitted. Sometimes Jamie would hide under the blanket, and I’d pretend I couldn’t find him.” She sighed and petted Sparkles some more. She didn’t say anything for a while, and the only sound in the room was Sparkles’ grumbling.

It was late afternoon, and the sun was reaching in through the window, taunting him. Sparkles decided to give it one more try. When the old lady went upstairs for her glasses, he climbed on the counter, where he wasn’t supposed to go. He pushed the heavy tin of flour onto the flour and ran through it, leaving tracks everywhere.

The old lady looked into the kitchen and smiled. “You do know this bit of mischief earned you a bath, right?”   Sparkles prepared to bolt, but was picked up in firm but gentle arms and taken into the bathroom.

The old lady gently washed the flour off in shallow warm water.   Sparkles hated it. He yowled in complaint. “I know,” the old lady said. “Baths aren’t fun for you. My Jamie hated them too. Once he poured flour on the floor. Then he poured milk onto the flour and broke eggs onto the mess. I caught him opening the sugar. He said he was making floor cake.”

The old lady carefully toweled him off. Sparkles yowled again, feeling sullen. “Yes, Jamie wasn’t happy to have a bath either. Then I insisted he help me clean up. He was so grumpy! He said I was ruining his cake.”

Sparkles jumped from the towel cocoon and stalked towards the door. “Does this mean you won’t help clean up?” the old lady asked. She chuckled and followed him to the door. Sparkles hurried to the sofa and sulked as he listened to the old lady hum as she swept up.

The old lady made no sense. She came back in with his favorite toy and sat by him on the couch. “Are you feeling lonely today, too?” she asked.   “How about this time I pick the game?”

Sparkles couldn’t manage to ignore the tempting feathered thing. He chased it and batted it until he was ready to curl up and nap. The old lady patted him. He purred.   He wasn’t feeling grumbly anymore.   He still hated his name though.

“Thank you for being such a good friend,” the old lady said.

Charlie’s Room: The Spider

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“Dad!” Charlie yelled from his room one morning. “There’s a spider in my room. Get rid of it, please.” Isaac heard a rumble of footsteps in the hall and then Charlie dashed into the kitchen and looked around. Isaac was pulling toast out of the toaster. “There you are,” Charlie said. “Did you hear me? It’s a giant spider!”

“I don’t think it’s very interested in eating you, Charlie,” Isaac said.   “You’re much too big.”

“What if it’s poisonous?” Charlie asked. “You need to get rid of it. It’s really, really scary.”

Isaac finished buttering the toast and added it to the plate. “All right. Are you all ready for school?”

“I can’t put my shoes and socks on because of the spider. It’s over by the closet. If it’s not there, maybe it’s inside my shoes waiting to bite me,” Charlie said. “Oh, hey, is that toast?” Charlie leaned over the plate. “I’ll eat that while I wait for you. It’s best warm after all.”

“Okay, but then you need to toast more slices for Mom. She’ll be out soon,” Isaac said.

“Fine, fine. Can I add some cinnamon sugar? It’s better that way,” Charlie said. It looked like he’d already forgotten all about the spider.

Isaac smiled. “Sure, that sounds good. Add some to Mom’s too.” Then he went to Charlie’s room to find the spider.

There wasn’t a spider in front of the closet. Isaac checked each of the shoes. He tapped the heels on the floor, bracing himself for when a giant spider came tumbling out. But, there was no spider in the shoes.

He took a deep breath and checked under the bed. It was dark under the bed and a little dusty. He pulled out the socks and book and pencils that he found and put them away.

No spider on the bed or desk. He decided to check the bookshelf and give up.   He was rather relieved that the spider had disappeared to wherever spiders go when they aren’t going around scaring people.

Unfortunately, there was a giant spider on the bookshelf. It looked as big as a golf ball. Well, if you included the legs. Isaac looked at it. The body wasn’t so big, really. It wasn’t doing any harm either.

It was just standing on a book, looking at him. It was much more peaceful than the neighbor’s little tiny noisy dog. Nobody was scared of the neighbor’s dog. He almost left it alone, but then he remembered Charlie’s question. What if it’s poisonous?

Hmmmm. How can you tell? He could probably look it up later, but he was in a hurry now. Isaac looked at the peaceful spider. He couldn’t smash something tiny and peaceful and possibly harmless. Even if it was a little scary.

Isaac went back to the kitchen for a glass. “Did you get rid of it?” Charlie asked. He was buttering toast for Marianne.

“Not yet,” Isaac said. “I think I’m going to take it outside and let it go.”

“As long as it’s far away from my shoes,” Charlie said.

“Of course,” Isaac said. He went to his desk and picked up an index card. He would trap the spider under the glass and slide the card under.   Once it had stepped on the card, he’d carry it outside to freedom. It seemed like a flawless plan.

Isaac returned to the room. The spider was still on the bookshelf, sitting peacefully on a book. Isaac hesitated. He had an irrational fear that the spider would jump at him if his hand came too close. Without thinking about it, he quickly slammed the glass down over the spider.

Now to slide the card under the glass. He brought the card closer just as the spider skittered over to the inside edge of the glass. Isaac looked at it warily. He pressed the card down onto the book and prepared to slide it along the cover and under the glass.

The spider tapped at the glass with a leg. The glass shattered. Isaac fell forward a little bit, because he’d been leaning a little on the cup to hold it down. The spider darted up the wall behind the bookshelf, and Isaac threw himself backwards.

The spider slowed down and climbed up into the windowsill. Isaac stood up and wiped nonexistent dust from his pants.   The spider paused in front of the window. Did it want out? Was it going to break the window?

Isaac went to the window, making sure to give the spider plenty of space.   He slowly reached for the window latch, ready to pull his arm away at once if the spider moved. It didn’t move. He pulled the window open and took several steps away. The spider climbed out the window.

Isaac waited twenty seconds before he shoved the window closed and latched it.   There. The spider was gone. He picked up the pieces of glass and went back to the kitchen.

Marianne was at the stove, cooking scrambled eggs and munching on cinnamon toast.   Isaac tossed the pieces of glass in the trash. “Oh no, what happened?” she asked.

“Dad was getting rid of a spider for me,” Charlie said. “Dad, I made you some toast too. Is the spider gone?” He handed Isaac two pieces of cinnamon toast.

Isaac bit into the sweet, buttery toast. He smiled. “The spider’s gone.”

“Did you put it outside?” Charlie asked.

“I helped it go outside,” Isaac said. “But it broke the glass.”

Marianne went to the table to put eggs on the plates. “You need to be more careful Isaac, you could have been cut.   Did you get all the pieces?”

“Yes, it broke in rather large pieces when the spider hit it with its leg,” Isaac said.

Charlie laughed. “Spiders aren’t really that strong, Dad,” he said. “Not even giant spiders.”

“This one was,” Isaac said.